Last weekend, one of my one and only weekends off, I decided to take a trip with Matt to Maine. First stop was Portland, where we spent most of our time in the heart of the city’s cobble stone streets where we shopped till we dropped. Literally. You know that Matt was LOVING that but I have to say, he handled it with great ease and patience. He is good like that. Well, it was quite exhausting, even for me. However, we always have fun together and it was indeed an experience that I will always remember. This vacation was to be so many things to me. Time with Matt, a way to achieve an inner peace in myself, exploration and adventure, and time away from work and the everyday life stresses that are tied to it all. That’s a whole lot of expectations I had in Portland, Maine. Poor Portland. Little did it know what was coming it’s way! Well, although we had a lovely time on vacation, ate to our hearts content (the sushi was yummy!!!), and walked miles on end to make sure we hit up all of the city streets, clothing boutiques, pubs, bakeries, and chocolate bars, (yes…there was a chocolate bar!!) I left Portland, Maine with disappointment in the gut of my stomach. I was almost happy to be leaving and heading home. Not your usual ‘leaving vacation feeling’.
So as we were leaving Portland, the wonderful and art-drenched city that it is, we came upon my dream spot for a vacation, and it wasn’t until we drove into Kennebunkport, Maine that I realized what I had needed all along. I fell in love with it. We both did. I think it was safe to say that we both want to head back to this haven sometime very soon! Kennebunkport, Maine is where I envisioned riding a rusty old bicycle down the tree lined streets stacked with colonial homes and Inns, one after the next. I found myself dreaming about going for the run of my life, the kind that gives you that instant relief from stress leaving you ever so tranquil and at peace. I’d have the perfect fall sweater on and my hair and makeup would be natural and care-free of course. Matt would fill my brain with all sorts of nature talk and vocabulary I have never even heard of and I would sit and listen and realize just how brilliant he is, knowing all the little bits and pieces of scientific information about species that I never even knew shared the earth with us. It is in Kennebunkport, Maine that I thought I would achieve the balance that I so greatly yearned for. Right? That is THE place where I would have to go to find my balance. So I thought.
This WAS my initial thought. This was also my initial thought when Matt and I took off in the car to head up to Portland at the start of our vacation. However, it wasn’t until I reached home again when I realized I needed a vacation from the vacation. Does that make senses to you? Forgive me if I have lost you, but to me it makes perfect sense. I had wanted to take this vacation with Matt for quite some time. It was on our to-do-list and finally we achieved it. Then afterwards, when all was said and done, and all the cupcakes and crab cakes were eaten, I was still left with that same uneasy feeling that I headed up to Maine with. Why was that? Didn’t I JUST take a vacation? Yes. But what kind of vacation did I take? This boggled me. Did I take a vacation from my crazy life? Yes, I did indeed. However, I also just replaced it with a vacation life filled with the exact same craziness that I could have gotten at home. Running around trying to squeeeeeeeze it all in four little days.
Returning home was when I realized what I needed the whole time. That being…drum roll please…BALANCE. Yup…I needed BALANCE. Unfortunately, Maine isn’t known for offering one balance in their vacation packages. That is something that I needed to create on my own. I put all the responsibility on Maine for that one. BALANCE. I lacked it BIG time. I was on the go…no lie…24-7. Stopping only to sleep most days. To make it worse, I also failed to, at times, compartmentalize (my new favorite word) my life. Leaving little time for enjoying things like the laughter of my own children, the smell of the fall air, the sound of the birds chirping, exercising, and reading something non-work related, etc. I had gotten wrapped up in this whirlwind and just spun like crazy. It’s easy to do really. You just pick yourself up and do it all over the next day…and the day after that…and so on and so forth. Maine may not have cured my woes and unbalanced lifestyle, but it was where I came to the realization that I needed to do the work myself in order to achieve balance. It is up to me.
My favorite part of the whole vacation, was when Matt and I sat down together on the rocks along the shore. Waves faintly crashed against the sand and there we sat alone and silent, without interruption. To be honest, it was almost painful at first to have to sit and be still. Gosh, how does one just stop and be still without having some type of gadget to occupy their thoughts? Blackberries and Facebook ringing in to let us know what another has going on in their life. I found it to be frustrating not having something in my hands to tinker with. I found it hard to really just sit and be still and quiet the chatter in my mind. Just the sound of the waves, boats in the distance, the chatter of distant beach walkers, and Matt’s shoulder to lean on and hand to hold. How was that painful? Sitting with myself and the one person that puts up with me when I am in my spinning whirlwind on the verge of becoming a human tornado. I realized I need to do a different kind of work that was non-business related.
I just got back from Maine on Monday. Since then, I have changed my exercise routine, I have made a more rigid work schedule , and I have decided to cook more meals at home, because that time with the family is what the kids will remember years from now. Most importantly, however, I have begun to see I am responsible for my crazy life’s patterns and I am also responsible to change it if I don’t like it and if it’s not working. So here’s to balance and me being the creator of it in my own life. A little Kennebunkport, Maine image below… where I may not have found balance, but I did find where I need it to begin from.
